Ep. 30 - How Do We Move Forward Together? Rebuilding Trust and Preventing Relapse

After gambling gets out of hand, both the gambler and their family want to know …  How do we make sure this doesn’t happen again? How do we rebuild trust between us?

Not all relationships survive gambling addiction.  But, if you are committed to working together this episode provides guidance and hope.

In episode 30 of our podcast, Fold em: Help for Gambling Problems, hear from a woman who opened up to her fiancé about a gambling problem. She shares how they have worked on this together, despite relapses, and lessons learned along the way. 

Kuldip Gill, a counsellor with expertise in helping couples and families overcome gambling problems shares practical tips for preventing relapse and rebuilding trust.

Listen now by clicking on the green play button at the top of the blog.

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The more you share the less you have to bear

After a Relapse: Sam’s Story of Moving Forward With Her Fiancé (Now Husband)

It’s never easy to be open about a gambling problem, but it can be especially difficult in a new relationship.

In this episode of Fold em, Sam talks about opening up to her fiancé after a relapse left her in a tight corner financially. Heading into the conversation she worried he might end their relationship. He didn’t, but it was a shock for him.

What came out of their conversation was a plan to do things differently going forward. This included merging their finances so there was more transparency and accountability. This wasn’t easy since Sam had a long history as a single mother of handling money on her own. Looking back, she says it really helped to work together on stopping gambling and managing spending.

Sam had two further relapses. Many others also also get pulled back in. Sometimes this is triggered by stress. Sometimes complacency moves in along with thoughts such as, “I can handle gambling now.”

For spouses and family members, it’s understandable to be upset by a relapse. However, if you remain committed to staying in the relationship, it’s helpful to learn from the relapse and figure out how to get back on track and do things even more effectively going forward.

Sam tells us that she and her husband learned more about addiction after each relapse. As a result, they worked on identifying risky situations that could trigger gambling for Sam. For example, they now plan ahead to avoid casinos when travelling. They also realized that they need to regularly talk and connect. This helps them both to recognize when stress, anxiety or depression is flaring up and to do something about it early.

Tips for Working Together on Preventing Relapse and Rebuilding Trust

Kuldip Gill is a counsellor who has helped many couples and families overcome the fall out from gambling addiction.

In this episode she shares tips for working together on preventing a gambling relapse and rebuilding trust in the relationship.

Here are some of Kuldip’s tips:

• Stay aware that relapses can happen: Avoid thinking and acting like the problem is “fixed.” Stay consistent with strategies that help prevent relapse. For example, know the dates that self exclusion agreements expire and talk together about whether to renew. If it helps to be open and transparent about finances, keep doing it!

• Practice open, honest communication in your relationship: Gambling addiction often brings more secrecy and lies into relationships. It helps to rebuild trust by talking openly again. Start with easier topics. If you need help with harder topics, get a counsellor or someone else to help. The more you practice the easier it will be in stressful times or when a relapse has happened to then talk openly.

• Learn about gambling problems and addiction: To be effective in preventing a relapse, you need to use strategies that fit the problem. Gambling addiction is tricky and complicated and needs particular strategies. Learning about addiction also helps to let go of blame and regret. This helps because we want couples and families to work together against the gambling problem, not work against each other.

• Be wary of stepping in to fix the problem: When gambling problems cause so much distress, it’s tempting for family members to step in to fix things, e.g., lend money for a debt or to ignore the problem to decrease conflict. However, this can keep the gambling problem going for longer. It’s helpful for the person who gambles to face the impact of their gambling and to take responsibility for addressing this. How to do this can be tricky and getting some guidance helps.

• Get extra support: Gambling problems have a big impact not only the gambler, but also on their spouse and family - even if it is a secret. It can be helpful for the people involved to get individual support for themselves - to talk about how it’s impacting them and get clarify on how they want to move forward. It’s helpful to get support together, e.g. couple counselling or speaking together with a leader in a faith community.

Tune in to episode 30 of Fold em to hear what Sam and her husband have learned during the past ten years, including how they got past relapses. Learn more from Kuldip about how to overcome these issues together.

Listen now by clicking on the green play button at the top of this blog. Or, tune in directly from Apple or Google podcasts by clicking on the red button below.

Check out other episodes of Fold em and be sure to subscribe so you don’t miss out when new ones are released.

Support and Counselling in British Columbia

If you live in British Columbia and would like to learn more about free, confidential support and counselling services from Gambling Support BC, click on the red “Connect with Support in BC” button below. Or, go to the Gambling Support BC website. You can also access our services through the Gambling Support Line. It is available 24/7 at 1-888-795-6111.

Kuldip Gill, who is featured in this episode works in Surrey, BC and can be contacted for free problem gambling counselling.

Gambling Support BC services are available to residents of British Columbia who are concerned about their own or a loved one’s gambling.

Fold em is a podcast hosted by Adrienne Cossom and her colleagues at Gambling Support BC. Whether you are looking at stopping or scaling back your own gambling or supporting a family member with a problem, this podcast will help you take back control. Hear from gamblers who have been through it and get tips from counsellors. Fold em is funded by Gambling Support BC.

To learn more about gambling concerns and how to access resources and support, go to the home page of this website, click on the red “Learn More” button below, or connect with us through Facebook.