Ep. 13 - Gambling Support for Families: Stepping Back & Setting Boundaries

Is someone you care about struggling with gambling? Learn from others who have been through it on our podcast, Fold em: Help for Gambling Problems. Click on the green play buttons to hear two episodes for those of you impacted by gambling - family members, spouses and friends.

If you would like to check out the rest of our episodes, click on the link below. Be sure to subscribe to Fold em, so you never miss out on new shows.

Addressing gambling problems is best approached as a marathon not a sprint

For family and spouses, step back, take care of yourself and set boundaries, so you reach the finish line

In episodes 12 and 13 of our podcast, Fold em: Help for Gambling Problems, two women share their stories of reaching a tipping point where they knew they needed to step back and set boundaries with a loved one’s gambling problem. One, decided to have no contact with her mother who struggles with gambling and substance misuse. The other, found ways to maintain a relationship with her partner, while protecting her finances and resigning from the role of “rescuer.” Their stories offer important guidance for spouses and family trying to find their way with the impact of gambling addiction.

Why is it helpful to set boundaries with gambling problems?

My colleague, Jen Gregg, who has specialized in helping gamblers and their families for more than 20 years in Vancouver, joins me in these episodes. She notes that when gambling comes out into the open, spouses typically step in and take control. This is partly to try and protect the finances, but also with good intentions of supporting the gambler and fixing the problem.

If there have been multiple relapses, spouses and family may also throw up their hands and walk away. They say, “I can’t handle this anymore.” There may be a need to leave or end a relationship, but we encourage spouses and families to do this in a thoughtful way rather than in the heat of the moment.

Jen and I have found that it is important to step back and catch your breath. Get some support for yourself and clarify what boundaries feel right for you and your situation.

Here’s some reasons why healthy boundaries can actually help to stop gambling problems:

• The gambler is more likely to change when they have to face the impact of the gambling and take responsiblility for addressing it. Resetting boundaries invites them to step up.

• Gambling usually leaves relationships out of balance - with the gambler disconnected and not carrying their share of the load and the spouse/family member overcompensating and carrying more than their share. Resetting boundaries can rebalance the relationship.

• The spouse/family member is often exhausted and overwhelmed when gambling comes out into the open - even if they knew it was going on. Perhaps they are having a hard time coping and struggling themselves with mental health issues or addiction. Resetting boundaries can help them to feel well and strong again.

What boundaries should I set? How do I set boundaries?

The two women who share their stories in these episodes decided upon different boundaries to set in their relationships. There is no right or wrong path. The key is to initially step back, do what is needed to help get your feet on the ground, and then get clarity about what is important to you and what boundaries will help with this. Talking with someone you trust, particularly a counsellor or support person, can help with reaching that clarity, figuring out how to communicate your boundaries and stick to them when the going gets tough.

Here’s some examples of boundaries that family and spouses can consider with gambling issues:

• Financial: e.g. to not pay off gambling debt or lend money, to set up a separate account rathen than a joint account, to offer support through providing gift cards, but not with cash, to request more transparency with spending

• Emotional: to find someone else you can talk to, even if the gambler wants to keep it quiet, to request that the gambler also find someone to talk to besides you, to find ways to prioritize your self care

• Gambling: to no longer join that person in gambling or facilitate their gambling (e.g. sharing your lap top or driving them to a casino)

• Relational: to no longer do more than your share of the work at home and negotiate a more equal balance, to request openness and honesty from the gambler, even if it is hard for you to hear, to step away from the relationship

To learn more about setting boundaries in episodes 12 and 13 of Fold em, listen now by clicking on the green play buttons at the top of this blog or the red button below.

Fold em is a podcast hosted by Adrienne Cossom and her colleagues at Gambling Support BC. Whether you are looking at stopping or scaling back your own gambling or supporting a family member with a problem, this podcast will help you take back control. Hear from gamblers who have been through it and get tips from counsellors.

Listen to all the episodes and subscribe so you are notified when a new one is released. Click on the “Listen and Subscribe to Fold em” button below.

If you would like to connect with Adrienne, Jen or any of our team with Gambling Support BC, click on the red button below. Free, confidential services are available to residents of British Columbia who are concerned about their own or a loved one’s gambling.

To learn more about gambling concerns and how to access resources and support, go to the home page of this website OR click on the red “Learn More” button below.