Ep. 27 - How Do I Talk About a Gambling Problem?
Gambling problems are hard to discuss. Opening up to family and friends often involves admitting to secrecy, lies and financial issues. This can spark hurt, betrayal and anger.
And, compared to alcohol and drug concerns, there isn’t the same awareness that behaviours, like gambling can be an addiction and that pulling back is complicated. Family and friends may think it’s simple to stop and feel angry about relapses.
Dealing with a gambling problem involves difficult decisions about who and when to tell and how much to share. These decisions are tough for the person who gambles and also for family and spouses.
In episode 27 of our podcast, Fold em: Help for Gambling Problems, hear one woman’s experiences when family found out about her gambling and the dilemma that emerged about whether to tell extended family. She shares lessons learned from opening up to friends and surprising outcomes when being honest with new acquaintances.
Tune in for helpful guidance to help you sort out who to tell and how to do this so it goes well. Listen now to this podcast episode by clicking on the green play button above.
If you prefer to tune in directly from Apple Podcasts or Google Podcasts, click on the red “Listen and Subscribe” button below.
Dealing with gambling problems can feel lonely
Figuring out who to tell, how much to tell, and how to talk about it is an important part of moving forward
When Family Find Out About a Gambling Problem. How Do We Talk About It?
In this episode of Fold em, Michele talks about arriving home to find family members holding a credit card statement in the air and demanding to know, “what is this!” She says that in that moment and the weeks after she walked around with what felt like a 100 pound weight on her chest as she struggled with guilt and shame. Her family members all reacted differently. One person was sad and disappointed, another angry and another wanted to jump in and fix things. It was hard for each of them, for Michele, and for the wellness of the family.
Although emotions are running high when a gambling problem is revealed, here are some suggestions that Michele and I have to offer:
Suggestions for Family and Spouses Who Have Learned About a Gambling Problem:
Go slow. Resist the impulse to jump in when you emotions are high. Take some time to settle down the stress. Your feelings are valid, but if they are driving how you communicate it likely won’t go well.
Ask questions. The decisions and actions of the gambler may be confusing and hurtful, but try and understand it from their perspective.
Learn about gambling addiction. It can be really helpful to understand how behaviours such as gambling can become an addiction (just like alcohol and drugs) and the best ways to deal with this. It’s more complicated than just paying off the debt and expecting someone to stop.
Suggestions for the Gambler When Confronted About a Gambling Problem:
Be patient. You’ve known about the gambling issues for awhile, but family are just now catching up. It’s normal that their emotions and shock will be high. If you are patient and settle down your stress it will help to settle things down.
Set boundaries. It’s important to hear out your family and talk things through. And, it’s also okay to pace things to help keep stress down, e.g. can we take a break in 5 minutes and come back to this tomorrow? I will answer your questions, but I would like to do this in an email to help me get my thoughts together.
Be honest. As difficult as it is to have things out in the open, it can also feel like a relief to get these secrets off your chest. Use the opportunity to be open and to “restart” with a clean slate.
I Feel Ready to Tell People About A Gambling Problem. How Do I Help It To Go Well?
There can be lots of good reasons for both the person with a gambling problem and their family/spouse to open up:
To get rid of secrets in a relationship
To reach out for more support and accountability
To rebuild your self respect by practicing honesty and transparency
As Michele shares in this episode, it can be helpful to get some guidance and plan out who you will tell and how you will do it. She says that skipping some of this planning resulted in her losing some important friendships.
Here are some tips that Michele and I have to offer if you are thinking about opening up about a gambling issue.
Before you tell someone about a gambling problem - read this first!
Get clarity. What are your reasons are for opening up? If it doesn’t go as planned, are you still comfortable with your reasons for doing it? Are you expecting something from the listener, e.g. money? support? for them to keep it a secret? Is this realistic?
Pace yourself. You don’t have to tell everyone at once. You don’t have to tell all the details to everyone. Maybe you start with the people most impacted by your gambling. Maybe you start with people who are easiest to talk to.
Consider the other person. There can be so much focus on why you need to tell that it’s easy to not think about what this will be like for the person hearing about the gambling problem. Imagine what it will be like for them to hear. What might make it easier for them? For example, instead of catching them off guard, give them a heads up, e.g. “I would like to tell you about a problem I’ve been having, when is a good time for you to talk about this.” Or, if you see they are having a hard time taking it in, say “I know this is a lot to take in. Do you want to pause or ask me any questions?”
Get guidance. Particularly if stress is high for you because of gambling, get guidance from someone outside the situation (e.g. a counsellor or a friend) about how to talk about a gambling problem. It can be helpful to write down what you are going to say and get feedback.
Get support. Opening up is an important but difficult step. It helps to have encouragement from someone who understands gambling issues. And, if it doesn’t go well, to offer support and help you learn how to approach it differently next time.
Learn More About How to Talk about Gambling Problems With Family or a Spouse
Tune in to episode 27 of Fold em to learn more from Michele about what worked for her and what didn’t when opening up about gambling concerns.
Listen now by clicking on the green play buttons at the top of this blog. Or, tune in directly from Apple or Google podcasts by clicking on the red button below.
You can also listen to episode 11 of Fold em to hear from the spouse of someone with a gambling addiction. Hear what she has learned about how to help conversations with her husband go well. To listen to episode 11, click on the green play button below.
Check out other episodes of Fold em and be sure to subscribe so you don’t miss out when new ones are released.
If you live in British Columbia and would like to find about free, confidential support and counselling services from Gambling Support BC, click on the red “Connect with Support in BC” button below. Or, go to the Gambling Support BC website. The Gambling Support Line is available 24/7 at 1-888-795-6111.
Gambling Support BC services are available to residents of British Columbia who are concerned about their own or a loved one’s gambling.
Fold em is a podcast hosted by Adrienne Cossom and her colleagues at Gambling Support BC. Whether you are looking at stopping or scaling back your own gambling or supporting a family member with a problem, this podcast will help you take back control. Hear from gamblers who have been through it and get tips from counsellors. Fold em is funded by Gambling Support BC.
To learn more about gambling concerns and how to access resources and support, go to the home page of this website, click on the red “Learn More” button below, or connect with us through Facebook.