Ep. 57 - Our Relationship and Finances Survived a Gambling Problem
Gambling problems put a huge strain on relationships and finances. It’s hard to know what to do and where to get help.
In episode 57 of our podcast, Fold em: Help for Gambling Problems, hear from someone who gets it and got through it. Jane talks openly about how her marriage and family were impacted by her husband’s gambling, what she learned from relapses, and what helped to stabilize their finances and rebuild their relationship after he stopped gambling.
Jane brings much experience and wisdom to this conversation, not only from her personal experience, but also from seventeen years of active involvement with Gam-Anon.
Listen now to our conversation and hear:
What didn’t work in their early attempts to address the gambling problem
What later helped to stop the gambling and bring more stability to their family
Ideas for handling money issues when a loved one has a gambling problem
Suggestions and encouragement for spouses, family and friends impacted by someone’s gambling
What is Gam-Anon and how to get connected to their meetings
Listen now to episode 57 of Fold em by clicking on the green play button at the top of the blog.
If you prefer to tune in directly from Apple Podcasts or Google Podcasts, click on the red “Listen and Subscribe” button below.
Gambling problems put a huge strain on relationships and finances.
Keep reading and listen to this episode to hear ideas for moving forward.
Someone I Care About Has a Gambling Problem. What Should I Do?
In this episode of Fold em, we hear from Jane whose husband had a gambling problem. Although it was hidden from her and went on for about seventeen years, he was eventually able to stop and stay gambling free. He will soon reach eighteen years of no gambling!
The fall-out of gambling problems is significant for family and spouses.
Here’s how Jane tells us that gambling impacted her:
Tension and conflict in her marriage - especially about finances
Feeling confused about why they were always short on money
Not taking care of herself as she focused on keeping the family together
Feeling increasingly disconnected from her husband
Worried that her husband was having an affair
Sound familiar?
It’s absolutely normal that spouses and family members are not aware that gambling has become a problem for a loved one. It is easy to hide, particularly with online gambling. And, as it gets out of hand, it is typical for the gambler to isolate and keep secrets out of embarassment.
It’s also common that spouses and family focus initially on addressing the debt and financial issues resulting from gambling AND believe that once these are fixed no further gambling issues will occur. With most issues in life, we are able to learn and not repeat the same mistakes. However, gambling problems are complicated and often need more help and guidance to prevent a relapse.
Jane tells us that spending many years facing gambling issues in her marriage and attending Gam-Anon meetings has taught her a lot about how to manage gambling issues in relationships. She encourages anyone who has been impacted by someone’s gambling to reach out to Gam-Anon for guidance. In the meantime, she offers these learnings.
Ideas about what to do if someone you care about is struggling with gambling:
Stay in Your Own Lane: As tempting as it is, avoid taking over and trying to fix the problems caused by gambling. Offer support and encourage the gambler take the lead with figuring out solutions.
Work on Yourself: Gambling problems bring anxiety, stress, self-doubt and a rollercoaster of emotions to family and spouses. It will likely be a longer process of overcoming this issue, so focus on regaining your wellness and getting clarity about how you want to move forward.
Realize That There is Nothing You Can Do to Change Someone: We can ask or demand for someone to change, but it typically doesn’t happen until they are ready. However, there are ways you can encourage or inspire change. One way is to work on changing your behaviour and sometimes this motivates the gambler to change.
Watch Out for Enabling Behaviours: Sometimes things we do to help can keep a gambling problem going. Hiding the problem and bailing out debts can be examples of this.
Get Connected to Supports: Family and spouses often feeling embarrased and guilty that gambling problems are in their lives, but don’t let this hold you back from getting support and guidance, especially from people who have experience with this issue.
Someone I Care About Has a Gambling Problem. How Do I Deal With the Financial Impact?
In the beginning, it can feel like you need to give the financial impact of gambling all of your attention. However, as Jane tells us, the main issue is the gambling problem. The money issues will get sorted out (often over the long-term). But, the gambling issue is the priority.
When Jane was faced with a life-threatening illness herself and, shortly after learned that her husband’s gambling was again out of control, she knew she needed to do things differently.
While everyone will need to find their own path forward, this is what Jane says worked in her marriage and what others in Gam-Anon have found helpful when dealing with the financial impact of gambling problems.
How Spouses and Families Can Deal With the Financial Impact of Gambling:
Drop Some of the Stones That You Are Carrying and Invite the Gambler to Carry These Instead: If you have taken on the job of “fixing” gambling issues or picking up all the slack as the gambler isolates, let some of these responsibilities go. Let the gambler know that you are doing this and that they are his/hers to pick up. Jane says that in Gam-Anon this is called “detaching” from the problem.
No More Bail Outs at the Expense of Family Finances: Getting money from a family line of credit or mortgage to cover the debt can prolong a gambling issue. Instead, let the gambler know that the financial impact is their responsibility and that there are solutions to address this besides more gambling. Offer support to connect with resources and let them know that it’s ok that financial issues may take time to sort out.
Protect Your Financial Interests: There are many ways that family and spouses can feel more secure financially. This often includes getting separate accounts or getting your name off of joint lines of credit. It can also mean getting access to monitor your loved one’s accounts and credit rating. And, if the gambler is willing, restricting their access to money. Over time these will need to be renegotiated.
Make Family Finances the Priority: Ensure that family expenses are covered first - before the debt. When possible, make sure that there is money for holidays and treats, even if this means paying off the debt over a longer period of time.
Encourage Openess and Transparency: Invite open sharing about finances and work together on plans to address this. In Gamblers Anonymous they can facilitate Financial Pressure Relief Meetings to help with this discussion and planning. When financial situations change, review these plans.
If you would like to hear more from Jane about how she and her husband overcame a gambling problem, listen to episode 57 of Fold em. She shares how they approached rebuilding trust, reconnected in their marriage, and managed fears of a relapse. Click on the green play button at the top of this blog or the red “Listen Now to Fold em” button at the bottom.
What Support is Available to Help Me or a Loved One Manage the Impact of Gambling Problems?
Gam-Anon:
If you would like to connect with Gam-Anon, wherever you live in the world, here is the contact info for the Gam-Anon International Service Office. You can learn more about the program, including in-person meeting times and locations, virtual meetings & phone meetings in the US, Canada & Internationally. You can also find out about the literature Gam-Anon has available for purchase.
website: www.gam-anon.org
email: gamanonoffice@gamanon.org
phone: (US#) 718-352-1671
If you live in British Columbia and would like to connect with Gam-Anon:
email: vancouvergamanon@shaw.ca
website: www.gabc.ca (This is a B.C. based Gamblers Anonymous site that has local Gam-Anon meeting and contact information.
phone: 1-855-222-5542 (This is a Gamblers Anonymous 24 hour Hotline with a live person answering each call that refers those affected by someone else’s gambling issues to a Gam-Anon member.)
Gambling Support BC:
For Residents of British Columbia
If you live in British Columbia, you can connect with Gambling Outreach Support anytime. To do so, click on the red “Connect with Support in BC” button below. Or, go to the Gambling Support BC website. You can also access these services through the Gambling Support Line. It is available 24/7 at 1-888-795-6111.
Gambling Support BC services are available to any British Columbia resident experiencing problems from gambling. You don’t need to stop or quit gambling or be self-excluded to access these free supports.
Our counselling and outreach services can help you figure out how to manage gambling concerns, including how to control or stop gambling. You decide what will work for you.
You can talk to an outreach support person about next steps for yourself if you aren’t wanting counselling. They can help you find self-help resources or local community resources and make a plan that meets you where you are at.