Ep. 76 - Learning to trust again
“You can love someone and still refuse to consider “trust me” as a valid arguement”
Seven years into her marriage, Regina’s husband revealed he had a gambling problem and was about to lose his business. She knew he gambled but was shocked that it had gone this far without her knowing. Regina was incredibly hurt and wondered how he could have done this to her and their family. For quite a long time after finding out, concerns about gambling were front and centre for her and in their relationships. She was unable to trust him but also felt guilty and confused about being in a marriage without trust.
Fortunately, Regina’s husband was willing to get help. He started attending Gamblers Anonymous and she connected with Gam-Anon. Their marriage stayed together for another 42 years until he passed away. Regina has continued to be an active member of Gam-Anon for 48 years.
Listen to episode 76 and hear about:
How to rebuild emotional and financial trust in a relationship impacted by gambling
What to do if the person you care about isn’t ready to stop gambling or get help
How spouses and family can decrease their own guilt and anxiety and learn to trust themselves again
LISTEN to EPISODE 76
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How Do We Rebuild Trust in Our Relationship After a Gambling Problem is Revealed?
When gambling problems come out into the open - either for the first time or after a relapse - it is incredibly stressful. The spouse or family member often feels like their life has been turned upside down and are desperate for a sense of security, both financially and emotionally. Sometimes they had a sense that something was wrong and are relieved to have it out in the open. The person who gambles can also feel relieved to no longer be holding the secret, but are struggling with their own shame as well as the strain of facing all the problems brought about by gambling.
In the midst of this, there is often a wish for quick fixes. There can be a rush to deal with debt or financial concerns, patch up the relationship and move on. Regina, who has been an active Gam-Anon member for 48 years and a sponsor to many spouses and family members, tells us that it takes time for a relationship to recover from a gambling addiction. If the gambling was going on for a number of years, then it only makes sense that it will take time to address it.
Based on Regina’s experience in her own marriage and in Gam-Anon, here’s some principles for moving forward with rebuilding trust:
Separate Trust into Two Categories - Emotional Trust and Financial Trust: Think about what is needed to rebuild trust in each category. A starting place for many has been to protect the financial security of the spouse and/or family. It’s ok to love someone and not trust them in some areas.
Separate the Person who Gambled from the Gambling Problem: Gambling problems are real and lead people to behave and think in ways they normally wouldn’t. Someone who gambles can still love you, be committed to the relationship, and do things that are harmful to relationships. One way of rebuilding trust is to find ways to connect with the person who gambled and also set boundaries in order to address the gambling problem.
Trust is Earned: It is the responsibilty of the person who gambled to face the consequences of their gambling, including doing what is needed to prevent a relapse and taking actions to heal and rebuild trust in relationships impacted by gambling. This can include getting help and sticking with it, being open and honest with loved ones, and restricting access to gambling and money.
The Risk for Relapse is Always There: Although there are many ways to reduce the risk of relapse, it is important for the person who gambled and their spouses and family to be aware that the risk of relapse or of switching addictions will be there long-term and to stay committed to your plan for preventing this.
Build Your Strength and Confidence: Both for the person who gambled and their spouses and family, gambling erodes self-confidence and self-esteem. Make it a priority to do things to rebuild this so you can trust yourself and your instincts.
What if the Person Who Gambled Isn’t Ready to Stop or Get Help?
It can be a back and forth process until someone who gambles is ready to acknowledge it is a problem and do what is needed to address it. In the meantime, Regina talks about steps that family and spouses can take to help themselves and avoid enabling the problem.
Here’s what family and spouses can do:
Protect Yourself and the Gambler Financially: If gambling is continuing or there is a relapse, but household finances are protected and the gambler has limited access to money and credit, then the harm is minimized.
Learn About Gambling Issues and How to Address Them: Gambling problems don’t happen because of weak willpower. Gambling addiction is complicated and requires particular solutions. Get guidance on what is needed to address it. Nagging, lecturing and taking over typically don’t work. Setting boundaries and getting support for yourself does work.
Get Support: Gambling issues often require solutions and responses that are emotionally difficult to do. Get guidance from people who have been through it and can provide encouragement to you.
Where Can We Find Help and Resources for Rebuilding Trust After Gambling Problems?
Regina tells us that her husband attended Gamblers Anonymous meetings regularly for forty two years. She also attended Gam-Anon and has found the support, suggestions and encouragement from people who have been through it, so helpful.
Here’s how to find out more:
Gamblers Anonymous: www.gamblersanonymous.org
Gam-Anon: www.gam-anon.org
You can also order the literature that has been written by their members on the GA and Gam-Anon websites or in an e-book format on Amazon.
Meetings for family, spouses and individuals who gamble are also available online at:
Recovery Road Online: recoveryroadonline.com
Gamblers in Recovery: gamblersinrecovery.com
If you live in British Columbia, free and confidential counselling and outreach services are available for any resident of BC who has been impacted by gambling concerns. Click here to contact us or call the Gambling Support Line at 1-888-795-6111.
Related Fold em Episodes
There are a number of episodes of Fold em for spouses and family members impacted by gambling. To browse and listen to these, visit the All Episodes page of this website and search under Family & Spouses.
To listen now to two related episodes, click on the green play buttons below. In one of these, hear from a parent whose son struggled with online gambling. In the other, a credit counsellor talks about addressing the financial impact of gambling.
What Support is Available to Help With Gambling Concerns?
To learn more about gambling concerns and how to access resources and support, go to the home page of this website, click on the red “Learn More” button below, or connect with us through Facebook.
Fold em is funded by Gambling Support BC.
We welcome your feedback and ideas for topics for upcoming episodes. Reach out through the Contact Us page on this website or through email at Foldempodcast@gmail.com.
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