Ep. 66 - For Spouses: Feeling Grounded Again
After learning that your spouse has a gambling problem or has had a relapse, it’s understandable that your focus falls on “fixing the gambling issue.” There are likely financial issues that need your immediate attention and issues to be sorted out with your spouse.
In the meantime, what we hear from spouses (as well as family members), is that they feel like their life has been turned upside down. They are feeling shock, anger and hurt because of the secrecy that typically comes with problem gambling. And, anxiety and stress is high because of the breach of trust and uncertainty about financial security. Having difficulties with sleep and concentration is normal.
In episode 66 of our podcast, Fold em: Help for Gambling Problems, I’m joined by a counsellor, Neena Keram, who specializes in helping spouses, couples and families with gambling concerns. She tells us that discovering a spouse’s gambling problem is a “betrayal trauma.” As with other traumas, the brain is overwhelmed by stress and unable to process it and cope. With gambling, this stress has a particular dynamic because the person you thought you knew and life you had together is often thrown up in the air as you learn more about the gambling and its impacts.
Neena encourages spouses and family members to get help for themselves - even if you think it’s not your problem to fix. It helps to have support for you, to assist with making sense of it all and coping with the impacts. Focusing on yourself at this time might not seem like a priority, but she reminds us of the messages we all hear before take off on an airplace - in the event of an emergency, put your oxygen mask on first, so you can stay well and be of help to others, especially children.
Tune in to episode 66 and learn about:
Common reactions after learning your spouse has a gambling problem
Why coping and moving on can feel so difficult
How to feel grounded again - for your own benefit, but also to move forward with addressing the gambling issue
Listen now to episode 66 of Fold em by clicking on the green play button at the top of the blog.
If you prefer to tune in directly from Apple Podcasts or Google Podcasts, click on the red “Listen and Subscribe” button below.
Finding out about a spouse’s gambling problem is a shock. The fact that it was hidden feels like a betrayal.
Getting help for yourself will assist you to get grounded and figure out how to move forward
My Spouse Has the Gambling Problem, So Why am I Having a Such a Hard Time Coping?
Neena Keram, who is a counsellor specializing in helping couples and families impacted by gambling problems, joins this episode of Fold em. She tell us that gambling problems are really hard on spouses and family members. She refers to this distress as “betrayal trauma.”
Neena explains that there are two parts to answering the question she often hears from spouses: “why do I feel so overwhelmed?” The first part is to understand that discovering a gambling problem can be traumatic - causing levels of stress that overwhelm the brain’s ability to process the event and cope with it.
Common symptoms of trauma include:
Anxiety and Fear
Confusion
Dissociation (numbing, detachment, lack of emotional responsiveness)
Persistent thoughts (about what happened, why it happened, whether it might happen again)
Difficulties with sleep and concentration and a lack of appetite
Neena explains that discovering a gambling problem also brings the shock of betrayal - that the person with whom you share a life, and often a home, family and finances, had a whole other life that you weren’t fully aware of. This creates an overwhelming sense of abandonment, shame and self-doubt about your own judgement and self-esteem.
Finding out about a gambling problem is particularly difficult for a spouse because:
Gambling typically leads to secrets, lies and manipulations, which bring up hurt, anger, doubt and betrayal for spouses and family
Financial hardship and loss of security
Fear of the gambling continuing or a future relapse
Guilt that I should have done more to catch it earlier and stop it
Embarrassement and concern that others will be judgemental about gambling, which gets in the way of reaching out for help.
In the early days after learning about a gambling problem, spouses and families often do things to try and feel more in control. This can include looking backwards and replaying past situations in light of the gambling discovery, e.g., “that’s why my spouse was so stressed about money,” or “that’s why my spouse wasn’t available when I called.” Or, doing things they wouldn’t normally do to uncover details of the gambling such as snooping, questioning and demanding more information. These efforts to feel more in control often lead spouses to step in and “fix” the problem, e.g. by paying off debt or insisting that the person who gambled go to counselling or meetings.
How Do I Feel Grounded and More Secure Again?
After learning about a gambling issue, it’s understandable that your focus will get pulled in many directions - finding help for the person who gambled, keeping your home life running smoothly, and taking steps to protect your financial security. For some, it involves stepping back from the relationship for awhile (and possibly for good).
Neena Keram encourages spouses (and family) to get help for themselves in the midst of this. She reminds us that they are experiencing a trauma and the shock of a betrayal and getting support to heal is essential.
Five reasons why spouses and family should get help for themselves after learning about a gambling problem.
Space for YOU to be heard and understood: The person who gambled is likely dealing with their own stress and not really able to be your sounding board. Family and friends often don’t fully understand gambling issues. You deserve to have a space where you can talk freely and be heard by people who understand this issue. This will likely bring relief and help you to understand yourself better.
Better understand why you are reacting the way you are: Giving attention to you - your thoughts, feelings and behaviours - will give you more insight into your reaction to the gambling problem. When you are more aware of what’s going on for you and why, you will likely be better able to cope.
More informed about gambling problems: Whether you get help from a counsellor or GamAnon or read websites like this one and listen to podcasts, you will begin to better understand gambling issues. Learning more will help to decrease your own guilt and self-blame, and to get clarity on how to move forward for yourself and the relationship.
Better at setting boundaries: When dealing with gambling problems, setting boundaries is a good thing. But, for spouses and family it can be tricky to sort out what boundaries to set and how to stick to these. These boundaries could include offering support but not enabling the person who gambles and/or how to monitor finances while still treating the gambler like an adult. Getting guidance from people who know about gambling issues can help you to navigate boundary setting.
Keep Yourself Going Over the Long-Haul: Some of the impacts of gambling problems can be resolved quickly. But some take longer to address, such as rebuilding communication and trust in a relationship and building confidence that a solid relapse prevention plan is in place for the person who gambles. For the spouse, getting help for yourself will help you to cope with the ups and downs over the long-run.
To learn more about how gambling issues impact spouses and family and how to help yourself feel grounded again, listen to Neena Keram in episode 66 of Fold em. Listen now by clicking on the green play button at the top of this blog or the red Listen Now to Fold em button at the bottom.
What Support is Available to Help With Gambling Concerns?
Gambling Support BC
If you live in British Columbia, you can connect with Gambling Outreach Support anytime. To do so, click on the red “Connect with Support in BC” button below. Or, go to the Gambling Support BC website. You can also access these services through the Gambling Support Line. It is available 24/7 at 1-888-795-6111.
Gambling Support BC services are available to any British Columbia resident experiencing problems from gambling, including spouses and family impacted by a loved one’s gambling. For those who gamble, you don’t need to stop or quit gambling or be self-excluded to access these free supports.
Our counselling and outreach services can help you figure out how to manage gambling concerns, including how to control or stop gambling. You decide what will work for you.
You can talk to an outreach support person about next steps for yourself if you aren’t wanting counselling. They can help you find self-help resources or local community resources and make a plan that meets you where you are at.
Gam-Anon
If you would like to connect with Gam-Anon, wherever you live in the world, here is the contact info for the Gam-Anon International Service Office. You can learn more about the program, including in-person meeting times and locations, virtual meetings & phone meetings in the US, Canada & Internationally. You can also find out about the literature Gam-Anon has available for purchase.
website: www.gam-anon.org
email: gamanonoffice@gamanon.org
phone: (US#) 718-352-1671
If you live in British Columbia and would like to connect with Gam-Anon:
email: vancouvergamanon@shaw.ca
website: www.gabc.ca (This is a B.C. based Gamblers Anonymous site that has local Gam-Anon meeting and contact information.
phone: 1-855-222-5542 (This is a Gamblers Anonymous 24 hour Hotline with a live person answering each call that refers those affected by someone else’s gambling issues to a Gam-Anon member.)
If You Have Concerns About Your Own Gambling - Help Outside of British Columbia
Canada: www.gamblingguidelines.ca/getting-help
United States: National Council on Problem Gambling
United Kingdom: GamCare
Australia: Gamblers’ Help
If you live outside of these countries, search online for “Gambling Help” in your country
Online Support and Meetings:
GamTalk (online chat forum)
To learn more about gambling concerns and how to access resources and support, go to the home page of this website, click on the red “Learn More” button below, or connect with us through Facebook.
Fold em is funded by Gambling Support BC.
We welcome your feedback and ideas for topics for upcoming episodes. Reach out through the Contact Us page on this website or through email at Foldempodcast@gmail.com.