Ep. 65 - Taking Charge of Tough Conversations About Gambling
When you have concerns about someone’s gambling, it’s not easy to talk about. It’s often challenging to prevent these conversations from going off the rails.
Maybe you’ve just discovered that your spouse or family member has a gambling problem. You’re feeling hurt, angry and anxious and your stress levels are 10 out of 10. The person who has been gambling is already edgy and avoiding converations with you. How do you approach someone in this situation and start to address the problem?
Or, maybe you suspect that your spouse or family member is still gambling, even after they said they would stop. How do you talk about this without creating conflict and upsetting both of you?
In episode 65 of our podcast, Fold em: Help for Gambling Problems, we offer guidance for these tricky conversations. I’m joined by Saul Malek who had sports betting get out of control while in college. Saul is now four-years gambling free. He shares his ideas about how parents can talk to their adult children about gambling concerns. I’m also joined by a counsellor, Neena Keram, who specializes in working with couples when addiction shows up in the relationship. She offers strategies to help conversations about gambling go well.
Tune in and learn about:
How to talk to a loved one about their gambling, even when they don’t think it is a problem OR want to do anything about it
How to approach a loved one when you suspect they have relapsed or gambling continues to cause problems
How to encourage someone to get help, but not take over with managing the problem and “fixing” things
How family members and spouses can cope when feeling overwhelmed and stressed by the gambling problem
Listen now to episode 65 of Fold em by clicking on the green play button at the top of the blog.
If you prefer to tune in directly from Apple Podcasts or Google Podcasts, click on the red “Listen and Subscribe” button below.
When you have concerns about someone’s gambling, it’s not easy to talk about it.
We offer strategies to help these conversations go well.
How Do I Talk to Someone About Their Gambling? (and Have it Go Well)
When gambling gets out of balance, emotions and stress run high. For the person who gambles, they are likely feeling frustrated and embarrassed about the losses, but also convinced that the only way forward is to keeping trying for a big win. As they focus on this, they may pull back from people and normal activities and keep part or all of their gambling hidden. For spouses, family members and friends, they will be feeling confused as well as frustrated and hurt by the gambler pulling back. Perhaps there is resentment for picking up the slack for them. And, especially if they are aware that gambling has become an obsession, they are anxious about it.
Neena Keram, who is a counsellor specializing in helping couples and families move through the impact of addictions, joins this episode of Fold em. She tell us that gambling problems are really hard on spouses and family members. Neena refers to the emotional distress that comes up when a trusted person violates trust as “betrayal trauma.”
Given that emotions and stress will be running high, for both the person who gambles and the people close to them, Neena recommends that spouses and family members work on turning down the dial on their distress BEFORE approaching the gambler about their concerns. And, if these conversations are not going well, step back and again work on turning down this dial. Why? To avoid it turning into conflict or having one of you shut down the conversation and walk away.
If your hope is to get some clear answers about what’s been going on and for the gambler to get help, being able to approach them with your stress and emotions in check is helpful (e.g. on a scale of 0 to 10 with 10 being emotions and stress are raging, you are aiming to be 6 or less).
THREE STEPS TO TAKE BEFORE APPROACHING SOMEONE WITH CONCERNS ABOUT THEIR GAMBLING
Do something to manage your own emotions: Everyone will have their own way of doing this. Some people blow off steam by getting it out of their system, e.g. through talking or doing something physical. Others, prefer to focus on something else like their breathing or a task. Do what works for you until the intensity comes down and you can think clearly.
Have realistic expectations: It might be that the person who gambles may not see or be willing to admit there is a problem. Or, they may not be willing to stop gambling or get help. Even if you yell, plead, threaten or take control, you likely will not be able to change this. It’s a process for somene to be ready to address their gambling. It will likely take time and more than one conversation.
Make a plan: Talking to someone about their gambling can have a big impact on their readiness to see it is a problem and do something about it - if done well. Before starting that conversation, decide what to say and how you want to say it. Predict how that person will respond and then figure out how you would like to respond back (we offer tips on this below). Decide what support and help you are willing to offer and what you won’t do (see our tips below). It can help to get guidance from people who have experience with gambling issues, such as counsellor or through a Gam-Anon meeting (links are also below!)
FOUR STRATEGIES FOR NAVIGATING TRICKY CONVERSATIONS ABOUT GAMBLING
Describe the impact of gambling: Tell the person who gambles what you have noticed about how gambling is impacting them, as well as you, your relationship and the household. Try to focus on their behaviour and the consequences of gambling, keep it descriptive, and hold back assumptions or judgements. As an example, someone might say, “Since you didn’t transfer me money for the mortgage, we can’t pay it this month. The bank sent us a warning about foreclosure.” Or, “For the past week, I have seen you on your phone a lot and you haven’t been talking to me very much. I’m really anxious that you’re gambling.” Offering feedback can help the person who gambles to step outside of their focus on the next bet and look at the bigger picture.
Ask questions: Even though it is tempting to tell the person who gambles exactly what you think is going on and to jump into solutions, approaching them with curiosity and concern will increase the likelihood they will open up to you. Ask questions that invite that person to open up, rather than just responding with a yes or now answer. For example, “You’ve been on your phone a lot and seem stressed. What’s going on?” Or, “Has it been getting harder for you to pull back from betting sites on your phone?” If your questions bring on defensiveness or withdrawal from the gambler, you may need to try a different strategy.
Offer hope and help: Let the gambler know that many people get pulled in to gamble too much and that there are other ways of dealing with the stress and money issues besides continuing to gamble. Offer ideas as well as to listen and provide support. Let them know about resources available to help, e.g. podcasts, online chat forums, gambling help lines, and counselling.
Hold back with jumping in to “fix things”: Although it may ease your anxiety to jump in to find solutions to the money problems arising from gambling and to insist that the person who gambles gets help, having you take control of the situation may not help things in the long-run. The person who gambles is an adult and having them sort through the consequences of gambling will help them to face it. Yes, this may be a process of one-step forward and one-step back. In the meantime, there are things you can do to address the situation. Figure out what you need to do to protect your financial interests, take care of your own reactions to the gambling, and keep life as normal as possible for yourself. We offer help with this in Episodes 61 and 57 of Fold em.
What If I Talk to Someone About Their Gambling and It Doesn’t Go Well?
It’s to be expected that conversations about gambling concerns may not go as well as you hoped. Issues of trust and betrayal as well as financial security have a lot of emotions behind them. For the person who gambles, they will be loaded down with their own stress, shame and regret and not able to think clearly as a result.
In this episode of Fold em, Neena Keram and Saul Malek encourage our listeners to not give up if one conversation goes off the rails.
STRATEGIES TO KEEP MOVING FORWARD WITH GAMBLING ISSUES
Keeping doing what helps to keep you grounded: For both family members and spouses and the person who gambles, remember to keep doing whatever takes the edge off of your stress and emotions. Dealing with gambling issues can be more like running a marathon than a sprint, so even though you don’t feel like talking to a supportive person, or eating a healthy meal, try to keep to the basics that keep you well.
Learn about gambling issues: As a counsellor, Neena regularly sees the relief on people’s faces as they learn more about what causes gambling problems and what is needed to effectively address them. Learning about this issue helps to reduce feelings of guilt and shame and increase a sense of control. Listen to podcasts or do an internet search. Attend an online meeting or see a counsellor. Resources are below.
Try to not take it personally: For family members and spouses, it’s really hard to not take gambling problems personally. For example, when a promise is made to stop gambling and then it happens again. Or, when there is secrecy. However, gambling problems are complicated. The brain and nervous system as well as one’s thinking gets hijacked and it’s hard to stop. In addition, a lot of money has been put into designing and marketing gambling activities to hook people in. Remind yourself that the impact of gambling on you is real, but the reasons for it happening are complicated.
Get help: If you find that you are spinning your wheels with gambling issues, get guidance and support from people who know something about this issue. They will help you to understand things differently AND do things differently. As a result, you will likely start feeling better and moving forward. Resources are below.
To hear more strategies for approaching a loved one when you have concerns about their gambling, listen to Episode 65 of Fold em. Saul Malek and Neena Keram talk about what helps these conversations go well AND what to avoid. Listen now by clicking on the green play button at the top of this blog or the red Listen Now to Fold em button at the bottom.
What Support is Available to Help Me or a Loved One With Gambling Concerns?
For Residents of British Columbia:
Gambling Support BC
If you live in British Columbia, you can connect with Gambling Outreach Support anytime. To do so, click on the red “Connect with Support in BC” button below. Or, go to the Gambling Support BC website. You can also access these services through the Gambling Support Line. It is available 24/7 at 1-888-795-6111.
Gambling Support BC services are available to any British Columbia resident experiencing problems from gambling. You don’t need to stop or quit gambling or be self-excluded to access these free supports.
Our counselling and outreach services can help you figure out how to manage gambling concerns, including how to control or stop gambling. You decide what will work for you.
You can talk to an outreach support person about next steps for yourself if you aren’t wanting counselling. They can help you find self-help resources or local community resources and make a plan that meets you where you are at.
Outside of British Columbia
Canada: www.gamblingguidelines.ca/getting-help
United States: National Council on Problem Gambling
United Kingdom: GamCare
Australia: Gamblers’ Help
If you live outside of these countries, search online for “Gambling Help” in your country
Online Support and Meetings:
Gamblers Anonymous and GamAnon
GamTalk (online chat forum)
To learn more about gambling concerns and how to access resources and support, go to the home page of this website, click on the red “Learn More” button below, or connect with us through Facebook.
Fold em is funded by Gambling Support BC. We welcome your feedback and ideas for topics for upcoming episodes. Reach out through the Contact Us page on this website or through email at Foldempodcast@gmail.com.