Ep. 86 - Someone I Care About Is Struggling With Gambling: Now What?
“Enabling is saying “yes” when your brain is screaming, “say no ... say no””
In this insightful episode, Regina, a seasoned member of Gam-Anon with nearly 50 years of experience, discusses three vital themes for those impacted by a loved one’s gambling problem. Regina talks about the difference between support and enabling, and how to detach with love. She also helps listeners recognize common emotional games that show up with problem gambling.
Listen to episode 86 and learn about:
How gambling problems impact those closest to the gambler
How to support rather than enable
How to pull away from all the emotional games that show up with gambling problems
How to keep yourself grounded, even if the gambler doesn’t want to stop
LISTEN to EPISODE 86
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What is the Difference Between Support and Enabling?
In this episode of Fold em, you hear from Regina, who learned that her husband had a gambling problem seven years into their marriage. They figured out how to deal with this issue and their marriage survived. Regina shares what she learned from this personal experience in her marriage and also from attending Gam-Anon meetings for nearly fifty years. She emphasizes how easy it is to blur the line between supporting a loved one with a gambling problem and enabling their destructive behavior. She offers clarity on how to distinguish between the two:
Support means encouraging recovery while allowing the gambler to take responsibility for their actions. It includes promoting participation in recovery programs, attending Gamblers Anonymous, or seeking professional help.
Enabling is doing things that allow the gambling to continue. This includes lending money, covering debts, or making excuses for their behavior to avoid embarrassment. Enabling prevents the gambler from facing the consequences of their actions.
Healthy support involves setting boundaries. This means refusing to provide financial bailouts or cover for missed responsibilities, allowing the gambler to experience the fallout from their actions
Recognizing the Emotional Games That Gamblers Play
A key part of managing a relationship with a compulsive gambler is recognizing the emotional manipulation or "games" they often use to avoid accountability. Gam-Anon has written a booklet about this titled, Games Compulsive Gamblers and We Play.
Regina tells us about common behavioural patterns that show up in relationships impacted by gambling problems and explains how loved ones can protect themselves:
Blame Shifting: Gamblers may blame their actions on external factors, such as stress caused by family members. “I only gambled because you upset me” is a common line to shift responsibility and deflect guilt.
Silent Treatment: Some gamblers will refuse to communicate until they get what they want, using silence as a way to manipulate emotions. This often leads family members to cave in, just to restore peace.
False Promises: “This is the last time” is a phrase compulsive gamblers often use to get another chance or financial help, even though they rarely follow through. These promises are a form of manipulation designed to maintain the status quu.
Understanding these behaviors helps loved ones avoid falling into the trap of enabling and stay firm in their boundaries.
Detaching With Love
Perhaps the most empowering advice from Regina’s experience is learning to detach with love. This concept is about maintaining love for the gambler while emotionally separating from their harmful behavior. It’s a way to protect your own mental health without completely abandoning the relationship.
Here’s some examples of what it can look like to detach with love:
Let Go of Responsibility: Recognize that you can’t “fix” the gambler. Their recovery is their responsibility. Detaching with love means accepting that they must face the consequences of their actions without your intervention.
Set Boundaries: Detaching with love involves setting firm boundaries, such as refusing to lend money or provide emotional cover ups when the gambler faces the fallout of their addiction. These boundaries help protect your own financial and emotional well-being.
Focus on Self-Care: Detaching with love isn’t about cutting off love or care, but about ensuring your own needs are met first. Taking care of your emotional health, setting financial safeguards, and seeking your own support—such as attending counselling and/or Gam-Anon—are crucial steps.
Walk Away from Manipulation: Regina advises walking away from arguments, manipulative conversations, or emotional games. Whether it’s leaving the room or temporarily removing yourself from the situation, this break allows you to stay strong without getting drawn into the games that are common in relationships with gambling problems.
By learning to detach with love and recognizing the games gamblers play, loved ones can regain control of their own lives and well-being, while still offering support in healthier, more sustainable ways.
To hear more from Regina and the story of hope she offers to anyone impacted by gambling issues, listen to episode 86 of Fold em. Listen now by clicking on the green play button at the top of this blog or click on the links to listen on Spotify, Apple Podcasts or Amazon Music.
What Help is Available for Partners, Family Members and Friends Impacted by Gambling Problems?
Dealing with gambling issues can be overwhelming. It can help to connect with people who will listen without judgement, and offer guidance that is based on experience and knowledge of gambling problems. Give it a try so you’re not alone with this.
If you live in British Columbia, reach out for free, confidential counselling and outreach services through Gambling Support BC. Reach out for help through our online intake form or by calling the Gambling Support Line at 1-888-795-6111.
If you live outside of BC, look for your local gambling support line and government funded programs. Search for “Gambling Help” online.
Another option for free support is Gam-Anon. This program offers peer support from people who share your concerns. Members share their experience, strength and hope. Meetings are offered virtually, and in some areas, in person and by phone. To learn more and to see the meeting directory, go to www.Gam-Anon. org. You can purchase literature written by Gam-Anon members from their website or on Amazon.
Meetings for partners, family members and friends are also available through Gamblers, Family and Friends in Recovery and Recovery Road Online.
Related Fold em Episodes
You can hear another insightful conversation with Regina in an earlier episode of Fold em. She talks about how her marriage survived her husband’s gambling problem and offers insight and tips for rebuilding emotional and financial trust in relationships impacted by compulsive gambling Listen now to episode seventy six of Fold em by clicking on the play button below.
What Support is Available to Help With Gambling Concerns?
To learn more about gambling concerns and how to access resources and support, go to the home page of this website or listen to other episodes of Fold em.
Fold em is funded by Gambling Support BC.
We welcome your feedback and ideas for topics for upcoming episodes. Reach out through the Contact Us page on this website or through email at Foldempodcast@gmail.com.
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